We put in so much effort as parents to make Holiday memories special. There are a number of rituals and traditions that infuse magic and wonder into the season, and for some reason, an elf has weaseled its way into our homes, forcing parents to perform additional unpaid labour during an already busy time of year.

My girlfriends and I have been discussing the “Elf Issue” in our group chat this week. Some of them love the tradition and willfully participate every year. Others regret starting it and are plotting a way to make the family elf “disappear.”

One friend was asked by her daughter why the Elf on the Shelf doesn’t visit their family at all. “Don’t do it,” another friend warned her. “Too much work.”

We have an elf in our family. Let’s call him “A.” He’s amazing. First, he only comes once a year, on Christmas eve. Second, he’s reasonable. There’s no diva behaviour coming from him. One diva (me) per family is already more than enough. “A” doesn’t like messes, but he’ll agree to get a little dirty for the sake of a good joke. He commits to the bit, but beware: he’s vain as hell. So I always have to make sure he looks his best. His moon must be in Leo.

I’m not here to tell you to get an elf. You can do whatever you want. We are enough and we don’t have to perform this tradition to make our children’s Christmas memorable, good, or worse, “perfect.”

But if you do have an elf, here are some “A”-approved ideas to get you through inspire you this Holiday season.

10 Super Easy, Super Lazy Elf on the Shelf Ideas

1. The Tree Climber

   Picture this: your kid wakes up in the morning. Where’s the Elf? You all search for him — when all of a sudden— what do you see? The Elf chilling in the Christmas tree. That’s when you scold the Elf, yelling: “A! What the hell are you doing? Get down from there right now! You’re not a cat!”

2. The Messy Elf

   Last year, “A” did the most outrageous thing. He dropped some flour (about a cup) on the floor, next to the fireplace. I don’t know why. Maybe he’d been trying to bake cookies for Santa. Or maybe he wanted me to test my new Dyson vacuum?

3. The Anti-Screen Time Elf

   “A” loves streaming TV shows. He recently finished Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and thought Season 2 of The Diplomat was okay. But he’s also very aware of the dangers of too much screen time, so he likes to hide the TV remote and video game controllers. It pisses us off when he does that, but I get it. He’s concerned about our attention spans.

4. The Fell Asleep in front of the TV Elf

   Sometimes, in the middle of the night, “A” wakes up in a sweat. His heart beats fast. He feels a bit nauseous. Yep. It’s anxiety. One of his coping mechanisms is to change locations and distract his mind with something else. That’s why he heads into the living room and turns on the TV. He’s super mindful of not disturbing us sleepers, so he uses headphones. Eventually he falls asleep watching Cooking with Paris (Paris Hilton’s cooking show, if you can believe it).

5. The Banana Wrangler

   “A” has never done this, but it’s totally up his alley: minimum effort, maximum effect. Have your elf draw funny faces on the bananas in your fruit bowl.

6. The Co-Sleeping Elf

   Give your kid a taste of their own medicine! Have your elf slip into bed with them in the middle of the night. Make sure your elf takes up most of the space (position him with his arms and legs wide open, like a star) and have him steal all the covers.

7. The Cryogenics Elf

   Ever wonder how elves maintain their youthful glow? Cryogenics. The use of freezing temperatures in skincare has been becoming more popular in recent years, but elves have been holding onto this beauty secret for millennia. “A” likes spending time in his cryogenic chamber: our kitchen freezer. To recreate this, simply stick your elf in the freezer and put up a sign on the freezer door that says “Cryogenics Chamber.”

8. I’m Out of Ideas

9. No Wait, How About… Never Mind.

10. The Runaway Elf

    This last idea is inspired by my friend group chat. If you’re over Elf on the Shelf and need to simplify your life for the sake of your sanity, maybe your elf could go on a special trip. Have him leave a postcard with greetings from Punta Cana. Or maybe your elf will write a letter explaining he left until further notice to visit his parents. Problem solved.

If your family has an elf, let me know in the comments what kind of mischief he or she gets into! This is a safe space, so if you need to vent about the elf too, I’m here.

See you next week :)

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